A “Dear John” letter to snow

22 Feb

Florida? Snow, this really has to come to an end.

Dear Snow,

I could begin with that standard, “It’s not you. It’s me,” line. But really, it’s just you.

Snow, I’m writing to tell you I can’t do this anymore. I’ve given up on any future I thought I’d ever have with you, and I really believe moving on would be the best for you, too. Sure, we had some wonderful years together. But I’ve become a much more mature person, with grown-up responsibilities and interests. You are standing in the way of all of them.

When I was a child, I couldn’t wait until you arrived. Seeing you on a weekday made sugarplums dance in my head. I would get out of school for at least a day — maybe longer — and get to slide down my parents’ mountain on whatever cheap crap I used for sleds. I just wish I would have had the old truck hood my dad said he used when you would arrive in his day. He said that old safety hazard was fast as hell!

I got to high school, and you would get me out of chemistry or trig tests. I was ever-so-grateful to you, snow, for giving me one extra day to cram or finish whatever homework left over from the night before.

But even during my childhood, snow, I started to have doubts about our relationship. Recall the Blizzard of ’93? I’ll never forget it. You basically decided to drop in at my family’s house and bring a ton of friends. You raised holy hell. We lost power at our house because of you and your buddies weighing down the power lines. One of your cousins, Mr. Extreme Cold, froze my grandmother’s pool solid. Our roads were blocked for three forevers, and my family and I ran out of groceries. Have you ever eaten Vienna sausages for about three days straight? I have, thanks to you. Sledding? You and your friends were piled so deeply that I was stuck on top of the mountain. You couldn’t move most trucks through that pile, much less, a makeshift sled.

You and your friends had one hell of a frat party at our expense.

I grew up, and that’s when your world really began to not fit into mine. See, K-12 schools frequently get canceled when you arrive. It’s, very, very rare when your college classes do. And work? You’re lucky if you get to miss work if meteors are falling out of the sky! Life as a news reporter means I have to work like hell EVEN MORE, and you start occupying every aspect of my professional AND personal life. I’m starting to believe that’s your goal.

Snow, when I tried to transition from a sweet child who could not wait to see you come to a woman cursing you every time her feet or tires became ice skates, it seems like you became jealous and my real nightmare began.

Hitting the roads was a special kind of hell. You even tried to block me when I made my first solo voyage to Florida of all places! I couldn’t totally escape you until I hit North Carolina!

I returned from Florida, and it seemed like you wanted to warmly welcome me back. You thought you could regain my affection and re-enter my life. But snow, I still longed for winters in Florida, when temperatures would hit 80 degrees. You could never lay a hand on me when I was in Florida.

So this year, you decided to get your revenge in the most cruel, heartless way. If you were human, I could have easily obtained a restraining order against you.

You left my entire region with a give-or-take two feet on the damn ground just before Christmas. Two feet. Literally. When things were finally plowed, it was like walking or driving through tunnels. I discovered the hit-and-run on my beloved car right after that — but you had not gone away! My car is a rear-wheel-drive, and I could not escape with her and get her on the road to recovery. Snow, you bastard, you had us trapped! I finally had to shovel a path out of my parking lot and drive my car like an egg to get her to the shop.

See, snow, my car is my new love now. She is dependable, efficient, fast as hell and beautiful to boot. I know seeing me with her has to absolutely burn you up and break what little bit of a heart you have left. So you work to enact your sick revenge on me by keeping her stranded here and in disrepair — keeping us apart. When I finally escaped with her, you halted her repairs because the parts can’t arrive at the shop. She’s sitting at the shop looking like The Terminator right now.

I hope you’re happy. Guess what, snow? I long for my car every day. I loathe forecasts that show you coming here — AGAIN.

I’m guessing you’re working to make everyone else miserable just to show me I cannot escape you. Last weekend, 49 of 50 states had snow on the ground. Hawaii is the only place that escaped your wrath. Even FLORIDA had snow! Are you trying to send me a message?

Snow, please give it up. I don’t love you anymore. Please stay in places and with people who will probably welcome you — like Alaska, Greenland, Iceland, etc. For that matter, how about just staying at the North Pole or Antarctica? Given how many Canadians flock to Florida for the winter, even those who are used to you don’t like you.

I am asking you nicely this time. I will always treasure our earlier memories, but it is long past time to move on.

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3 Responses to “A “Dear John” letter to snow”

  1. injaynesworld February 22, 2010 at 8:50 pm #

    I will never complain about our puny California pseudo weather again. Here out snow has better manners. It tends to go where it’s wanted — like the ski resorts. Or lightly dust the surrounding mountain tops for those looking for photo ops. It did snow here on the floor of the valley in 1999. We all thought it was really cool. We made snow angels. Then the next day it was gone like a good friend who just dropped by for a visit and left before they became annoying. My sympathies, my friend. I, of course, find your predicament endlessly entertaining. 😉

  2. sandyb February 22, 2010 at 11:42 pm #

    If snow were a girl, I’d punch her.
    I have several swear words for snow. I have double the amount for gusty winds, hail and generally any temperature below freezing.

    Your letter moved me.

    PS, I’m so happy you didn’t include Canada in your list of countries that like snow. It’s a myth, really. Canadians don’t like snow, we’re just to polite to tell it to eff off.

    • flatbrokegirl February 23, 2010 at 2:07 am #

      I thought about Canada, but I remembered all the “snowbirds” from my Florida tenure. They weren’t coming there for months just to play golf!

      You’re right. Saying Canadians like snow is like saying Floridians like hurricanes!

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